Putting Me First

Recently I had been trying to make myself get some work done and I was really struggling. I was so feeling pressured to get things done, but my head just wouldn’t participate.  I had been looking into brain wave frequencies and trying to get my head around the science of it all; and it just wasn’t happening.  I’ve never been a person who can stay focused on complex things…or at least not for many years. To me it doesn’t even matter…for me personally, it is all about how something makes me feel…not the science of it. But I wanted to write about it here for others to read, because others may care.

Throughout this time, Ive been listening to different frequency music and it has really helped me move forward into a more full understanding of what I’ve been going through.

I choose to live from my heart and my body rather than my head and that makes brain stuff even harder these days. So, because I know that about myself, I was trying to push and make it happen. Truth is, I’ve been through a lot in the last several years and it has intensified in the last few years and then again in the last 6 months or so. I need healing time. I’ve needed to stop and just be with me and I can’t make the time schedule for that go any faster than it wants to go.

“We need what we need and trying to rush things just makes it all worse as we put something else in our path to make us stop.”

In my personal life, I’m aware that I often seem to come last with other people. This has been a constant thing and I know it is partly ancestral Karma and partly because I’m so understanding and forgiving; people around me will put others in front of me because others get angry and do not understand or forgive. I found myself realizing today that this happens in every relationship I have and as I was saying to myself that everyone puts me last, I realised it’s because I put myself last. I’m always so concerned about how everyone else is…it is part and parcel of being an empath, but it is time I got past this.

For example, people who have too many demands on them, too much in their lives, being pulled by other people and ending up saying yes to things they would really like to say no to. They do this because they dread the fallout if they refuse. They exhaust themselves, often to the point that there is nothing left for them, so of course there is nothing left for me. This is how it goes…because they know I care about (and can feel) the state they are in and I will understand them being empty and needing to devote energy to themselves.

This is a core issue for me – of low self esteem, complicated by being sensitive to the feelings of others. It is something that needs recognition and to be changed. It is not about other people changing…it’s about me changing, and probably in many cases, simply moving on from other people. I want people in my life that I can spend time with, who make me as much of a priority as I make them, and if they aren’t and won’t do that, then I can just leave them to their choices.

All this difficulty has been the backdrop of what has been happening for me – I was going to say of late, but it has been for quite a long time, and, with increasing intensity recently. This is the time for me to make a change and put myself first. I do put others feelings before my own and when I know I need time out from life, I sometimes feel guilty and that I should do the things others want me to do. I need to stop judging myself and just do what is right for me. Because this world is based on the idea that if we are feeling low in some way, we need to snap out of it or take a pill to stop it etc, people are not comfortable with the simplicity of true healing…we need what we need and it takes as long as it takes.

Yes, I understand that if you have a job to go to and kids to feed etc, you can certainly become locked into that way of life.

I’ve been on a long expedition into the dark depths of myself, deep into Generational or Ancestral Karma, to letting go of what no longer serves me. This journey included physical health problems as my body also needed to release the physical remnants of those issues, which made me have to stop and take time out to do nothing. For busy people that may be a welcome change, but I had already had lots of downtime – for years, way before COVID19 came along. For me, lockdown and restriction fro COVID19 was simply more of life as normal! Anyway, inactivity then made my body even worse and then finally being unable to do anything much at all made my outlook worse and it just went deeper and deeper into frustration, sadness, hopelessness and despair. All of this has been what I created for myself to make me stop and come to this deep wound and face it, embrace it and move past it.

I wanted to share this for a few reasons. One is so you can see that even after many years on this path, I’m still working on my own healing…so no need for you to feel you are alone in whatever you are going through. Also to demonstrate just how much can be going on under the surface of not being able to get something done – there is always a reason. When I’m in the zone for work, it just flows and pages appear, everything goes smoothly and turns out perfectly. It just happens – so when it doesn’t flow, there is something more important happening. Trying to get work done really pales into insignificance by comparison to recognising and creating a shift in a major blockage within me.

In reality healing is simple….not easy, but simple. We have to feel the feelings we have been avoiding feeling. That’s it. Not act on them, not do anything but allow ourselves to feel all the repressed feeling. Feel, allow, breathe, embrace.

There is a lot of talk out there about healing ourselves, about how to get past things and different techniques to help you. I also wanted provide a basic truth here. We will automatically go on a healing journey if we allow it and life will present us with the next issue. It doesn’t take any fancy footwork, just a willingness to go through what is needed. Sometimes we might need or want some support with that and that is perfectly ok.

Subscribe To Me

Get updates and learn from the best

More To Explore

Connection = Support

I’m available on these social networks – feel free to connect with me